Silence

Abruptly the sound ceased
Suddenly ,the desolation ,the solitude became unendurable
While that voice sounded ,London had still seemed alive
Now suddenly , there was a change , the passing of something
And all that remained was this gaunt quiet




Taken from Jeff Wayne's musical version of 'War or The Worlds'

Desiderata

I first became aware of this poem in 1995 because of it's inclusion on the sleeve notes for the album "Mind Fruit" by Opus III (which was released in 1992 - it took me 3 years to get around to buying the album), and it has really stuck with me over the years - a lot more than I had consciously realised until I was recently reaquanted with it in a different medium.

It is featured as a spoken word track on the album "Revelations" by Beyond...& Back, which I got a few weeks ago. Hearing it's words spoken out loud reminded of how much the sentiment of this poem resonated and also influenced me in terms of my own view of life, and how I have been unwittingly carrying portions of this poem's message with me for the past 15 years.

Upon investigation it appears it was written in 1927 by someone called Max Ehrmann - but interestingly, for many years it was commonly misattributed to being from the 17th century, a misconception that was perpetuated by both the Opus III sleeve notes and the credits on "Revelations".

I could go into much more detail about the particular lines that have been bouncing around just at the forefront of my mind all this time - but I'll leave you to take what you want from it's content. . .



Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.


As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexatious to the spirit.


If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.


Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.


Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.


With all its sham drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Songs to die to

Building A Wall Inside, A Wall Round My Heart.




I haven't listened to this for a long time, which is strange given that it's by far one of my favourite pieces of music ever. It's one of those songs that is the first to jump into my head when I think of 'songs to put on a suicide playlist' - as in, the last thing you want your ears to hear, if you can give yourself the choice.

It's been so long since I last listened, that the impact of hearing this again was quite profound, it was new all over again - the break at 4.19 literally took my breath away and reduced me to tears, I'd forgotten how beautiful it was, It's like the sound of love, tearing open a calloused heart.

I think it would also be a good litmus test on a suicide playlist - If I can hear this and still not find the beauty in life, then it truly is time to give up.

I Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really Love You.

I've long been a fan of the singles that it spawned, but I only recently got the album "The Apple" by A Man Called Adam - to be honest I'm a little remorseful for the last 18 years I've spent without this balearic masterpiece.

In particular I'm in love with the track 'Porcupine'.








Outside the comfort of my conscience,
People come and people go,
But as the smoke cleared and I saw you smiling,
I thought, there's someone I'd like to know.

Your best friend told me all your secrets,
And just for that I'll tell you mine,
It might help you see,
That you've no need to be,
As prickly as a porcupine.

Come show me what you want me to be,
Exactly what you think you need,
You're not a virgin, to this charm.

Porcupine your fate awaits you in my arms,
And it's only time that separates you from my arms.

Don't ever underestimate,
The power in these fingertips,
Cos I can quell the rage that burns inside you,
Come on be the cup that knows these lips,
Or if it's innocence you're craving,
I have innocence misplaced,
And you can ride your skateboard in the gutter,
And put your free arm round my waist.

Come show me what you want me to be,

Exactly what you think you need,

You're not a virgin, to this charm.

Porcupine your fate awaits you in my arms,

And it's only time that separates you from my arms.

And we should take romance when we can get it, 

I Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, 

Really, Really, Really Love You.

Hopeless

I've spent today feeling hopelessly without purpose after a series of social interactions which only served to play on my paranoia and feelings of inadequacy, and non responses from people I've contacted.

I also spent the day watching zombie flicks, as you do, when you need cheering up.

"Carriers" was okay, but certainly didn't blow me away or anything - not that I wasn't grateful for some Chris Meloni screen time, unfortunately it was only for half the movie. It was one of those films where the sheer stupidity of the characters left you wishing they would just die anyway.



"La Horde" was better, I liked that in the end (SPOILER!) everyone dies, although I had a feeling this would be the case when the main character was stranded on the roof of a car with nothing but a machete and an endless throng of marauding zombies surrounding him, you know when the main character is left without hope, then the rest of them can kiss sweet fanny adams goodbye by the end aswell.




"Mutants" I enjoyed immensely, watching the character Marcus's slow degradation as he succumbed to the effects of the virus made me feel incredibly queezy - and whilst some of the on line reviews seem to complain about how the film slows down at this point, this was the part I found most compelling and genuinely scary.




I used to believe that love conquered all - and I'm slowly having to deal with the fact that it doesn't, and given that it doesn't - What hope does that give me when the zombie apocalypse comes, and all I'm left with to survive are my heart, a potato masher and a lint brush.

Music Dreams

So sometimes I dream about a piece of music that doesn't exist - Like once I dreamt I was caught in a house in a tornado, and the debris flying around outside had smashed all the windows and the wind blew this 12 inch double pack through the broken window. It was an EP by Fade (Chris Fortier and Neil Kolo). It was 4 different instrumental tracks, one on each side of the 2 discs - it was a full release, not a promo, with a beautiful printed green sleeve. I had this dream in 1997 when Fade were at their absolute peak (IMHO) and I was excited beyond words that the universe had delivered this double pack to me, and I couldn't wait for the tornado to end so I could listen to the tracks - I never got that far though. I was pretty devastated when I woke up and suddenly this Fade double pack EP was no longer in my life.

I also remember one where I was second hand record shopping and found a promo of "Holly" by Republica that had a 13 minute extended mix based on the Full Mix, and a dub. It even came in that distinctive Deconstruction records yellow promo sleeve with the rounded corners - and again I was pretty crushed when I woke up.

Well I just had another one. In the dream it was 1992, and I was living with my current flatmate and an old and dear friend, whom in reality I'm reluctantly not in contact with anymore. My flatmate had just bought 300 pills (!) and we were organising stuff for the weekend, we were total weekend warriors. So anyway whilst we are organising everything I am also reading a magazine - it was kind of like DJ mag was in 1992, but it wasn't DJ mag - and the track that was at the top of all the buzz charts was this track by U2, but it was a remix by Todd Terry. As I was reading, the track was also playing on the stereo - I can't recall a single bar of it now, but it was awesome, REALLY awesome - the chorus was something along the lines of 'I'll be there for you' and the remix used the full vocal, and it had this big Euro-style bass-line like the one in "Rhythm Is A Dancer" and was the most uplifting thing you'd ever heard in your life. I just woke up from this dream - I wish I could remember how the actual song went. . .

Gender Logistics

So I had somehow body-swapped with this woman - it wasn't a permanent arrangement, it was more like we were taking a holiday in each others body. I was standing at the sink in the bathroom of the house I grew up in - it was a rather luxurious bathroom, it was carpeted, and one whole wall was covered in mirrored tiles - and I was looking at my new form in the wall of mirrors. This woman's body I was in had a massive conehead - I was playing with my hair trying to devise a way to hide my new massive forehead, as she wore her hair tied back and I considered it quite unflattering. I decided I was going to cut a fringe in and cut the rest of it short and bleach it so I would like Marilyn Monroe (not that she had a fringe, but that kind of length). Of course, if I was really borrowing someone else's body I would never entertain making such drastic changes to it, but in my dream I was quite unfazed about giving her a radical makeover before giving her body back.

As I was picturing my new hairstyle - I realised that I didn't know how to apply makeup, and I was going to need to learn straight away because I had no intention of rocking some plain jane look, but I thought I would shower first so I could get started bleaching my hair. It was then I realised, Oh wait, I have a vagina - am I supposed to wash it when I have a shower? I don't imagine it will respond too well to being lathered in soap, but am I supposed to get all up inside it with the water? It dawned on me that I was going to have to ask someone - "How do I wash my vagina?"

Awkward.

The Scars of Stigmata

I had stigmata, well sort of. . .

So I was in this public bathroom and i was washing my hands, and the receptionist from my workplace was also at the adjacent sink washing their hands. In the centre of the palms of my hands I had these horrendous scars that were from being nailed to a cross, they were completely healed, but really gruesome looking, really deep craters in the middle of each palm. They were my dark secret that somehow no-one knew about, despite being large and clearly visible(!) and I was trying to hide them as I washed my hands. I had to wash them very carefully to make sure that I got right into the all the crevices of the wounds, as a result the receptionist from my work noticed them and started questioning me about them. I don't remember what I said in return, if anything, I just remember the feeling of total and utter humiliation that someone had noticed the scars, and knew that I had been crucified.

I know that feeling. .

taken from http://homotography.blogspot.com/

Hide & Seek

"Then as part of the game,
She completely forgot where she'd hidden herself,
And she spent the rest of her time,
Trying to find the parts"





I can't stop listening to this, it's amazing. Shatteringly beautiful.

Every single word. . .

"No I wont see you later, Go build another castle out of sand"


That's the line that cuts like a knife. . . but every single word quantifies exactly how I feel, all the time.







All of the time. . .


Shadows on the pavement burn a watermark of you,
and every city siren calls your name down every avenue,
I'm falling into contemplation, broken to my knees,
but I need no resolution here though it cuts me at the seams,


I'm still the same,
You're not going to take me down again,
I'm feeling old,
that doesn't mean you can break my soul,

See my youth begin to fade through the eyes of a child,
and I've studied every lesson learned that wiped away my smile,
and I've learned that all your walls are just a cover of a book,
every word a broken promise, every page a heart you took,

I'm still the same,

You're not going to take me down again,

I'm feeling old,

that doesn't mean you can break my soul,

Buried like a splinter, rips apart like paper,

Blows away like ashes in my hand,

No I won't see you later,

Go build another castle out of sand

. . . . Like ashes in my hand

I'm not drowning in your sea,

Believing in you will not be the death of me,

Not waiting for the curtain drop,

Or waiting for the hurt to stop,

Not drowning in a teardrop,

For your love. .

Break my soul,

Break my soul,

I'm still the same,

You're not going to take me down again,

I'm feeling old,

that doesn't mean you can break my soul,

Lingering Reminders

"I'm too stale to eat breakfast, so I smell my fingertips"
From "Tuna Fish" by Emiliana Torrini.


My face has the feeling you only get from being ground into a man's facial stubble.

My mouth tastes like cock.

My fingers smell like sex.

........... this doesn't ever happen to me.

Well......That wasn't exactly beautiful.

So I did remember one of my dreams last night.

It was set in the main street of the town where I grew up in England. It was very busy and there were lots of people walking in all directions.

There was only one person that wasn't walking around and it was this very austere older African American man wearing a long beige trench coat. He was clean shaven and had short grey hair. He had given me a chocolate cupcake that had been cut into quarters and I was moving through the crowd and he was yelling at me accross all the other people to just shove the whole thing in my mouth at once. I was too embarrassed to do this amoungst all these people, and then he beckoned me over and I had to dodge my way through all the people to get to him. When I did, he started breaking tiny pieces of the cupcake off and feeding them to me. It was this odd mixture of sensual, and really creepy. I felt a little uncomfortable in the situation. Then I broke a small piece off and fed it to him, it seemed like the polite thing to do.

Then he said "I guess it's time to strap-on the strap-on" I was confused about why a guy would need a strap-on, and was a little put off and embarrassed - so I just laughed, and took another piece of the cupcake, but this time I ate it myself.

Free Drugs

This video is the best free drugs that money didn't buy.

Absolutely lifechanging.

Hayum!

Distressing Dream

I had this dream that was completely ridiculous and horrifying.

As recalled from Saturday Night's sleep:

So I'm watching this TV special about this famous actress from South America - She is this huge Soap Opera star, like the Susan Lucci of South America, except she is a transsexual, but in the most ridiculous fashion - she basically has the body of a muscly and hairy guy, but the head of a glamorous woman with huge Barbie style blond hair. The thing was no-one seemed to bat an eyelid about this and it was perfectly normal, there were all these snippets of her with her co-stars, lounging poolside, in her bikini - totally buff and covered in black body hair!

Anyway - so there was one Soap Opera in particular that she had been in for years and years - and this soap opera had a monkey in it - you know like how there is that Orangatang in Passions - except this monkey was a Baboon, I can't remember what the monkey was called, but for the sake of the story - let's call it Nelly.  So the Tranny is doing the voice over to this TV Special herself and is talking about her time on this long running soap - then she starts talking about working with Nelly and says "Of course, no one can forgot the day that Nelly got her face ripped off, it was meant to be scripted into the story as a heart warming tale - but as you can see from this footage, it didn't quite turn out that way".

It cuts to Nelly sitting in a clearing in the rainforest (Not really sure why a monkey that was staring in a Soap opera would be in the rainforest, but anyway), Then this other giant Baboon that is twice the size comes crashing out of the trees and attacks Nelly - It was really graphic and gruesome, and the larger baboon tore one of Nelly's arms off, then continued to tear one of her legs off - then it returns into the trees (taking the dismembered limbs with it). So Nelly is lying there, unable to move and screaming in agony - and as I'm watching this I'm absolutely distressed by the senseless violence and raw brutality of it all. Then as she is laying there completely ravaged and unable to move, the larger baboon comes bounding out of the trees again, grabs hold of the fur above her forehead with both hands and tears her face completely off - leaving this unrecognisable mass of flesh with these perfect rows of exposed teeth. It kind of reminded me of Chatterer from Hell Raiser.

Again the larger one bounds off - this time Nelly is not screaming but making this noise that is a mixture between a whimper and gargling blood. This was an extremely disturbing image, and it felt like it went forever, in the dream I was wondering 'when are they going to stop filming this'.

At this point I woke up pretty distressed. I don't even like Baboons, but the whole scene was so horrifically cruel, that it was extremely upsetting to 'witness'. I was also completely unsettled by the whole voice over leading into it - It was supposed to be a heart warming tale? WTF.

I fell back asleep but when I got up on Sunday morning I was still feeling really unsettled by it - more than anything I was disturbed by the fact that such imagery was in my head in the first place - but then as I was trying to piece together where it would have come from, I realized that it was actually because of something Josie from UK Big Brother had said about how whenever she feels down, she thinks about that woman who got her face ripped off by a Chimpanzee. Which is at once ridiculous and relieving that there was a clear source for the disturbing and graphic imagery, but that it would come from something as stupid and inconsequential as Big Brother.

I was still distressed by the graphic violence and underlying themes of hopelessness and cruelty though,

Maybe I'll dream something beautiful tonight....

Love Chemical

"You make chemicals run in my blood just by looking, you take my free will and throw it away"
from "The Great Escape" by BT featuring Caroline Lavelle.

It's strange to think that something as powerful as love, is literally just a chemical reaction, that's all it is.

I found myself wondering this morning why they haven't developed a pill to counteract love - a kind of  love antidote if you will.

Then I realized that this would, in fact - should it be formulated, be the worst thing that humans had ever done - worse than any weapon, any virus, any of our many, many other destructive endeavors.

I guess I believe that to love is our singular and ultimate purpose for existence.

But if there was a love antidote pill there right now, I'd take it.

Bob Marley Quote

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."

 This is really resonating with me at the moment.

The Awesomeness

I've tried and tried to perfect the hoe-down elbow jab into the disco wrist finger click at 26 seconds - but alas it is a moment of human brilliance that can never be recreated.

Apparently I have nothing to say.....

Well....... I started a blog - but I don't have anything to say - so brace yourselves for a whole lot of nothing.