The train pulled out of the station

Literally.

"I don't want to get on it"

And so I stayed a little longer.

But in actual fact it wasn't that I didn't want to get on, it was that I didn't want to get off. I didn't want to get off the other train that had pulled out of the station.

The metaphorical one.

The train that might take me somewhere wonderful.

Now I just have to ride it, to it's uncertain destination. And hope that when it changes from a train into a rollercoaster - that it's all smiles and hands in the air, and that I don't get flung from the ride.

Get out of the back seat

My dad was driving.

I never sit in the back when I'm the only passenger, not even in cabs, but I was here.

I couldn't get this song out of my head, but every time I sang it out loud he'd join in.

This annoyed me and I had to keep the song inside. Even I couldn't hear it now.

I had lollies, some were in individual wrappers. They were all favourites of his. I was pleased to have obtained something that could make him happy.  I was passing them forward and he would take them from my hand.

The ones not in wrappers spilt all over the floor, but he didn't see.

It shouldn't have been a big deal, but it was to me.

I pretended I ate them, and as I collected them, covered in lint, hair and debris, I hoped he wouldn't find them in the bin.

I wouldn't put something that bitter in my mouth

"You took a whole lot of loving for a handful of nothing."

I think I'm going insane. The bad, aggressive, savage animal on the attack kind of insane.

Fortuitous events

Sometimes, when you REALLY need it to, events will unfold in what will turn out to be the best  possible outcome.

Although it may often be disguised as the opposite.

It's important to remember this.

I hate it when people have an 'It's all good' attitude, because it's not ALL good, that's just delusional.

But every failure, every heart ache, every unscalable obstacle that presents itself, is just funnelling you towards your true destination.

Cried out and cold

I'm staring into this chasm, and I know that in the next few months, I'll pass through and come out the other side. It's the only way out of here.

I'm scared.

I've felt like I'm on the verge of tears for a few days now. But they don't come.

The last time I dropped my guard, they wouldn't stop.

Fuck Pandora

The misery she's caused. She should have shut the lid on hope.

Games

I'm just really bad at playing games. Any kind of game at all.

Anything that involves navigating yourself to one of only two outcomes, win, or lose, I'm just terrible at. I Always Lose.

Any Sports - I always lose.

Computer Games - I always lose.

Chess - I always lose.

Cards - I nearly always lose.

Just life in general - I pretty much always lose.


Except for Mr Squiggle.

I'm really good at playing Mr Squiggle. I guess there is actually no winning or losing in Mr Squiggle, so it doesn't really count as a 'game' as such. Mr Squiggle is basically the fairest game that you can play with someone. I think that's why I like it so much. I also love that it gives you an insight into each others imagination and sense of humour. Such admirable and exhibiting qualities to explore in someone.

Except, I always keep the other persons ones.


And always find mine in the bin.

So in a game with no winners or losers, I still somehow manage to lose.

decimated

Sometimes I come up for air.

But mostly I'm just suffocating in this enveloping darkness.

Wondering why every beautiful thing recoils, or slips away.

Taking all the best parts of me away with them.

Thai Sweet Chilli Doritos

And Beer.

And Cigarettes.

And Weed.

In Your Hair.

On My Finger Tips.

It's all still there in the morning.