I wouldn't put something that bitter in my mouth

"You took a whole lot of loving for a handful of nothing."

I think I'm going insane. The bad, aggressive, savage animal on the attack kind of insane.

Fortuitous events

Sometimes, when you REALLY need it to, events will unfold in what will turn out to be the best  possible outcome.

Although it may often be disguised as the opposite.

It's important to remember this.

I hate it when people have an 'It's all good' attitude, because it's not ALL good, that's just delusional.

But every failure, every heart ache, every unscalable obstacle that presents itself, is just funnelling you towards your true destination.

Cried out and cold

I'm staring into this chasm, and I know that in the next few months, I'll pass through and come out the other side. It's the only way out of here.

I'm scared.

I've felt like I'm on the verge of tears for a few days now. But they don't come.

The last time I dropped my guard, they wouldn't stop.

Fuck Pandora

The misery she's caused. She should have shut the lid on hope.

Games

I'm just really bad at playing games. Any kind of game at all.

Anything that involves navigating yourself to one of only two outcomes, win, or lose, I'm just terrible at. I Always Lose.

Any Sports - I always lose.

Computer Games - I always lose.

Chess - I always lose.

Cards - I nearly always lose.

Just life in general - I pretty much always lose.


Except for Mr Squiggle.

I'm really good at playing Mr Squiggle. I guess there is actually no winning or losing in Mr Squiggle, so it doesn't really count as a 'game' as such. Mr Squiggle is basically the fairest game that you can play with someone. I think that's why I like it so much. I also love that it gives you an insight into each others imagination and sense of humour. Such admirable and exhibiting qualities to explore in someone.

Except, I always keep the other persons ones.


And always find mine in the bin.

So in a game with no winners or losers, I still somehow manage to lose.

decimated

Sometimes I come up for air.

But mostly I'm just suffocating in this enveloping darkness.

Wondering why every beautiful thing recoils, or slips away.

Taking all the best parts of me away with them.

Thai Sweet Chilli Doritos

And Beer.

And Cigarettes.

And Weed.

In Your Hair.

On My Finger Tips.

It's all still there in the morning.